My public blog, losing friends and rumors: 2018 reflection

^last time this joke could be used ladies!1!

December 31st, I was sitting across from my friend Zainab’s face. She was smaller than she usually is, smiling through my iphone screen. We both discussed our resolutions, mine was to write more for my blog and make it public. We both probably set a bunch of other tiny resolutions, now forgotten and incomplete. A year later, I’m sitting across from Zainab once again but this time, she joins me to watch the year change from the same time zone. I sit across from her face, it’s a foot away and tangible, and we start discussing this year. I pull out my phone to take notes for the very same blog.

This year has by far been my most challenging one. Jumping into 2018, I genuinely could have never guessed the trials I’d face in just 365 days. I’d never have guessed the hospitalizations, the medications, or the inconsistencies in who I called my friends. On the other hand, I also would’ve never predicted how far writing would’ve gotten me, how public I was going to make this blog, or the wonderful people that were going to come into my life.

I saw a tweet the other day that was like “if you’re my friend name 3 of my traumatic experiences” and I jokingly was like, “half of everyone I know can name 3 of my traumatic experiences.” And only a few minutes later did I realize how true that was. I started writing this blog last year for myself but I didn’t start sharing it until this year. I’ve never been someone who shares their own struggles but this blog helped me turn into more of an open book. What you see is what you get. And even though it’s a little weird when I meet someone that follows my writing cause they know so much about my life while I’m just getting to know their first name, this blog has done amazing things. Sharing my writing gave me the courage to write and publish “I love you.” And sharing my writing helped me heal in more ways than I can express.

This year I met some friends that I know will be mine for the rest of my life, I fell more in love than I’ve ever been in my life, I switched my major like four times and I still don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I learned I really don’t know what life holds for me but I also learned I can handle anything that’s thrown my way. I learned my body’s not great at handling piercings. I learned that the connections you have with people are the most important things about life. And I learned that people don’t like me sometimes and that’s okay.

I’ve always been a little Leslie Knope in the sense that I’ve always thought if someone got to know me they’d like me (we adore a compulsive need to be liked) but turns out, people can hate you without even meeting you. I got involved in the brown community and even months after backing away, I learned I can have “beef” with people I’ve never talked to or even thought about? Even though it bugs me a little to hear wildly untrue rumors all the time, it doesn’t impact me like it would a year ago.

I also learned that I’m pretty naive. I trust a lot easier than anyone should and continue to see the best in people when all my close friends are telling me to back off. And so I learned to listen to my close friends (ahem Hasiba) and that everyone doesn’t always want the best for you.

I learned when your life is a hurricane, you don’t have time anymore for petty drama. I learned a lot of celebrities have bipolar disorder and also a lot of normal people. I learned I’ve kind of grown out of reading YA, a thing I never predicted would happen so early in my life. I learned creating is the most important thing to me and I want to do that for the rest of my life.

And so 2019, I’m not going to say “new year, new me” cause I love this me. I love how much I’ve overcome and my ability to laugh things off. But 2019, is going to be an interesting year. I’ll turn twenty, no longer a teenager. I’ll return to school after my medical leave. I’ll write many more blog posts, and I’ll grow more as a person. Maybe I’ll figure out what I’m doing with my life, maybe I’ll read this next year and be confused as ever. Perhaps I’ll finally perfect a gluten free samosa.

My own goal for this year is to create. I want to expand this blog, add video content, work on cool graphics. I have a online blog I’m making with a friend of mine which will be up soon and I’m super excited for that. I want to paint more and draw more and dance more. I want to explore writing styles I haven’t touched yet. I want to finish my novel and maybe another poetry collection. I want to surround myself with supportive and loving people. I want to make the relationships I already have stronger.

2016 was transformative, I changed more than I ever have as a person.
2017 was a year of big decisions, some I probably made poorly.
2018 broke me down and put me back together in a way I could’ve never predicted.
Let’s hope 2019, goes easy on me. A great year after the hardest one.

Whatever 2019 brings me, I’m ready for it.

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